America! Fuck Yeah!

Dear Seattle,
I thought you were kind of cool at first. Frasier calls you home. Bill Nye the Science Guy does too. This gives you the kind of street cred most cities would kill for. It's unfortunate you have little else to offer a wide-eyed Canadian tourist who risked her life on the Greyhound coming to visit.
You're not all bad I guess. Certain elements of you warmed my assorted cockles with your rainy-day similarity to Vancouver. And I guess you have some gum flavors that Canada has yet to introduce. But when grey skies and blackberry Trident are the only positives I can come up with, you know you have a problem.
You're just a little boring, frankly. The space needle isn't really that cool, as a matter of fact. More enjoyment was brought from watching the wannabe-yuppie couple videotape themselves making out on the viewing deck than was brought from enjoying the "view" which reminded me of a less-cool version of the Vancouver skyline. Okay, the Experience Music Project was cool, but only because we got to buy our own band poster for our prog-rock outfit "Maracca Obama". I say prog-rock outfit because it sounds cooler than "lip-synching duo air-drumming and air-maracca-ing to 'I Love Rock and Roll' in a mock soundstage and paying $25 for the accompanying DVD and tour poster like the lame tourists we are".
Oh, also, I've thought of something else to complain about. What's with the portion sizes in America? Why does lunch need 3 courses? Why don't they warn you that the sundae you ordered is going to be an embarassingly large spectacle with fireworks and cannons and wheeled out on one of those flatbed trucks that beeps when it backs up like the 1,000 pound man that had to be forklifted out of his house because he can no longer walk and even if he could he wouldn't be able to fit out the door anyway so they had to tear down an entire wall to get him out?!

Dear Wild Rice Asian Fusion Pretentious Ridiculous Portion Fedora Fucks:

Your food doesn't taste good. Putting deer meat in a dumpling isn't so much original as it is gross. Charging thirteen dollars for 2 ounces of tuna with some kind of regurgitated green slop (macadamia puree infused with wasabi-ok fuckers) isn't so much high class as a fucking rip-off. You suck. Your food sucks, you attract fedora-wearing assholes who think that if they spend $200 on dinner they'll have something sweet to talk about with their fedora-wearing asshole friends. Fuck you!
Yesterday I ran approximately 30 feet to catch a skytrain at Broadway station and I didn't catch my breath until Stadium (probably four minutes away). I'd give that 2 notches short of morbid obesity, 5 good notches away from "physically fit".
If you ever see a commercial for "Muckleshoot Casino" you MUST watch it. It features a trailer-y woman telling the story of her son taking her for lunch to the casino every Sunday, before which she plays the penny slots. Complete with Native accent: "I don't play the nickel slots, they're for high rollers.". The story ends with her winning $89 and feeling like a high roller herself. Way to promote racial profiling and confirm stereotypes! It's the best commercial I've ever seen, next to the one for the old-people scooters where the announcer goes "YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE!" and cuts to 2 senior citizens perched in their scooters at the edge of the Grand Canyon.
A warning to all: Don't walk down what is SUPPOSED to be a vacant hallway, letting out a stream of flatulence the whole way, unless you're sure it is, in fact, a vacant hallway.