America! Fuck Yeah!

Dear Seattle,
I thought you were kind of cool at first. Frasier calls you home. Bill Nye the Science Guy does too. This gives you the kind of street cred most cities would kill for. It's unfortunate you have little else to offer a wide-eyed Canadian tourist who risked her life on the Greyhound coming to visit.
You're not all bad I guess. Certain elements of you warmed my assorted cockles with your rainy-day similarity to Vancouver. And I guess you have some gum flavors that Canada has yet to introduce. But when grey skies and blackberry Trident are the only positives I can come up with, you know you have a problem.
You're just a little boring, frankly. The space needle isn't really that cool, as a matter of fact. More enjoyment was brought from watching the wannabe-yuppie couple videotape themselves making out on the viewing deck than was brought from enjoying the "view" which reminded me of a less-cool version of the Vancouver skyline. Okay, the Experience Music Project was cool, but only because we got to buy our own band poster for our prog-rock outfit "Maracca Obama". I say prog-rock outfit because it sounds cooler than "lip-synching duo air-drumming and air-maracca-ing to 'I Love Rock and Roll' in a mock soundstage and paying $25 for the accompanying DVD and tour poster like the lame tourists we are".
Oh, also, I've thought of something else to complain about. What's with the portion sizes in America? Why does lunch need 3 courses? Why don't they warn you that the sundae you ordered is going to be an embarassingly large spectacle with fireworks and cannons and wheeled out on one of those flatbed trucks that beeps when it backs up like the 1,000 pound man that had to be forklifted out of his house because he can no longer walk and even if he could he wouldn't be able to fit out the door anyway so they had to tear down an entire wall to get him out?!